Text Isle: Square One

As I'm recently single for the first time in 10 years, I'm Experimenting With My Look. And I'm not too proud to say that I have no idea what I'm doing.

Absolutely no clue! Was there a secret afternoon class I missed on being a 'girl'? Maybe putting 'girl' in inverted commas is actually part of my problem. It's like holding my femininity at arm's length... with tongs, gloves and a pegged nose. GIRL. I just don't know how to be a girl. Why do all the other females seem to know what to do with a hairdryer, and how to walk in heels? And when did "swiping a line of blue" become "eye primer, three types of eyeshadow, eyeliner and mascara"? I feel like I missed a masterclass somehow and am sitting the test with no idea, 10 minutes left on the clock and nothing but a broken crayon. And maybe I ate the crayon.

So my search begins. How does one rejoin the meat market in her 30s? First I have to say goodbye to the past. And I think I have done a passable job of that. I don't know what I want yet, but I know what I don't want. And I don't know who I am yet, but I know how to cum! I have, at least, worked through the Elizabeth Kuebler-Ross model of grief, and am a pheonix rising. Her 1969 study, "On Death and Dying" outlined the 5 stages of emotional pain. I think she nailed it, and I can almost see the bonfire of intelligence behind those unassuming cat's-eye glasses.

But I don't want things to become maudlin here. This is a blog of rebirth! So to illustrate the 5 stages, allow me to give you a more palatable example. Say you were asked to perform at the Superbowl. Just say. And say you were hot veteran of the stage, just aching for a comeback, and then this happened:

Why, you would be slapping mad! You would be flushed-faced furious! You would be just about ready to teach that cocky boy a thing or two about how to treat a woman and where to touch you just there that's right harder and... what?

Sorry.

Anyway, when the inevitable puritanical backlash hits, you may be going through these five stages:

1. Denial - But I was wearing a pastie!

(Not to be confused with a pasty)

2. Anger - fuck off I am a JACKSON and this white boy's just cutting my brother's grass!

3. Bargaining - You can have my reputation if I can keep my three grammy nominations!

4. Depression - All that and none of my singles reach the top 40?

5. Acceptance - I'm doing alright. At least I'm still on Oprah.

(And that's never going to negatively affect my career)

See how Elizabeth nailed it? Those are the same 5 stages we all go though! Clever creature. So departing from this model of understanding wretchedness, I want to talk about rejuvenation. I want to talk about how I will get my 31 year-old self back on the dance-floor and back in play! My only rudders will be youtube makeup tutorials...